


Astray in the Mist

by supercalvin



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Femslash, Femslash February, Fluff, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 12:08:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13833981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercalvin/pseuds/supercalvin
Summary: Perhaps lying in bed all day, ignoring her texts, wasn't Morgana's best idea.





	Astray in the Mist

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S STILL FEMSLASH FEBRUARY IN MY TIMEZONE I STILL HAVE 1HR and 15MIN OKAY IT'S NOT LATE

Morgana hadn’t moved all day.

Well that wasn’t entirely true. When she woke up at noon, she went into the loo and then to the kitchen to grab some cereal. But other than that, she hadn’t moved out of bed.

The night before she had gone to bed early, and had hoped she was finally getting her sleep schedule on track. The only problem was that eight might have been too early, because she had woken up two hours later, fully awake. She had scrolled through things on her phone for another hour but then she decided to pop open Netflix, praying that a mindless action movie would lull her to sleep. Lucky it had, at three in the morning she fell into a restless, nightmare-filled sleep.

So it was no surprise when she overslept. Luckily she didn’t have any classes on Wednesday and nowhere to be. But her restless sleep had definitely killed any good mood she might have had, as she barely had the energy or motivation to use the loo that morning, let alone anything else. So she spent her day in bed. She casted a few light spells across her ceiling in between rounds of a game on her phone. Every once and a while she would receive texts but she ignored all of them. None of them were important. Although she was miffed that people felt the need to contact her constantly. No one would notice if she ignored their texts for a bit.

The group chat for her class, Magical Law in the 20th Century, buzzed a couple times as students panicked about their upcoming exam. Morgana wasn’t worried since she had had to study magic law for her own personal reasons (living under Uther’s roof and having magic left no room for misunderstanding her rights as a natural-born magic user.) She let them figure out the Human Rights Campaigns Magic Users from the 1980s on their own.

Not only that, but her friend’s group chat also lit up her phone screen when Mithian asked if anyone wanted to meet up for lunch. Morgana wasn’t hungry, nor was she in the mood to socialize (let alone get dressed). She didn’t answer. Luckily Merlin did answer, so Morgana didn’t feel guilty leaving Mith alone.

She did receive an email from Professor Annis, her professor of War and Magic, which was probably about that part time job at Camelot Court House but the last thing she wanted to do today was worry about _important_ things. So she ignored it, hoping that the tightening in her chest about ignoring that email would be better than the full-blown anxiety that would hit her once she opened it.

Gwen had also texted her a few times. Morgana was probably a horrible girlfriend for ignoring her too, but she really wasn’t in the mood. Even for Gwen. Most of Gwen’s messages were silly little things, but Morgana hadn’t opened them all the way to really read them. She hated to do that to Gwen, who would surely know that Morgana had gotten the text but just hadn’t responded.  But Morgana still lived in the realm of plausible deniability if she didn’t open it. No wonder Arthur always told her that she already acted like a lawyer.

Morgana was still lying in bed, clicking on her phone to beat the next level, when someone banged on her front door. She startled and looked up at her clock. Seven O’clock. Shit, she thought, was it really that late already?

A second later, her phone started to buzz incessantly in her hand.

“Shit.” She said as she fell out bed and her phone fell out of her hand. Thankful that no one saw that (especially Arthur, who was still under the impression that his big sister never faltered) she straightened up and scrambled across the floor to her phone. “Shit, shit, shit.” She said as she saw Gwen’s face flashing up at her.

“Hello?” Morgana said as if she didn’t know who was calling her.

“Morgana LeFay, I know you’re in there and you haven’t answered anyone’s texts in three days.”

Had it really been three days since she answered a text? Today she hadn’t answered any texts on purpose, but now that she thought about it, she might have been unconsciously ignoring her texts and emails for a little more than that.

“I’ve just been busy, Gwen. You know how it is. Now isn’t a great time…” Morgana looked in the mirror to see herself: pajama shirt, yoga pants, and a tangled ponytail.

“Oh, this isn’t a request, Morgana.” She sounded angry but she was using that passive aggressive voice which always made Morgana feel guilty and childish. “I have a key and I’m coming in. This was your minute warning.”

“How do you have a key!”

Her phone beeped, telling her Gwen had hung up, and then a second later, a key turned in her flat front door. Now Gwen’s voice came through the halls of her apartment instead of the phone’s receiver. “Elyan made me a key.”

Morgana should have known. She called out, “Tell your brother that I’m never representing him in court when he’s arrested for breaking and entering.”

“Noted,” Gwen’s voice came closer as she moved toward Morgana’s bedroom.  Morgana rushed to close her door, but Gwen was quick when she wanted to be. “Don’t. Morgana, for goodness’ sakes we’ve known each other for five years, I know what you’re doing.”

Morgana felt a little cowed at that. “Fine.”

She let Gwen in, who was holding her purse and a huge bag filled with god knows what.

Gwen gave her one long look. No one could manage to make Morgana crumble the way Gwen did. She supposed it had to do something with the fact that her girlfriend knew her better than anyone else. They had been together for a little over a year now but had been friends since secondary. Sometimes she wondered if Gwen understood her more than she did herself. Morgana certainly hadn’t noticed how much she had isolated herself from everyone these past few days.

“You’ve been hiding away for weeks, Morgana. You can’t just keep doing this.”

Or perhaps it had been happening for more than just a few days. Morgana had known that. She had. She just hadn’t acted on it. Or maybe not.

“I don’t hide away” Morgan rolled her eyes. “I’m not a hermit.” She saw her friends every week and she went to all her classes. Or at least most of them. It was just that lately she had only been doing the bare minimum. She wasn’t sure where all her energy and motivation had vanished, but it seemed to have evaporated.

“No arguing, Ms. Future Lawyer. Come here.” Gwen sat her down on the bed and pulled something out of her bag.

“You brought me a sports drink?” Morgana stared at the bright blue liquid.

“And some groceries. And some other things.” Gwen said firmly. “Drink that. I know you haven’t eaten anything and that will boost your sugar and electrolyte levels.” It was a bit scary how well Gwen knew her.

“Your nurse-voice frightens me.” Morgana said as she cracked open the drink.

“Good.” Gwen leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Morgana’s cheek. “Hello, by the way. Sorry for breaking in.”

“No,” Morgana said, looking away from Gwen’s large brown eyes. “Don’t apologize.”

Gwen scooted closer, brushing wisps of Morgana’s hair out of her face. She looked worried, and Morgana hated herself just a little bit more when she saw that look on Gwen’s face.

Gwen sighed and pulled away. “Just drink that. I’ll be back.”

She bustled out of Morgana’s room, and to what Morgana figured was the kitchen. She heard her fridge door opening and some cabinets being creaked open and closed. She sipped on the drink. It was too sweet and she still didn’t feel hungry or thirsty, but she knew Gwen would check if she had drunk any of it when she came back.

A wave of annoyance and frustration rushed over her. She had been hovelled away, pretending everything was fine, and all the while she had obviously worried her girlfriend. Some girlfriend she was, Morgana groaned. She quickly drank another sip of the sugary concoction and then she surveyed her room. She gathered her trash off the floor and dumped it in the bin. She pushed some of her clothes into the corner and pulled her hair out of the ponytail, running her hands through her hair helplessly.

Morgana startled when Gwen’s voice said from behind her, “I made some food for you.”

She set down a plate of cheese, crackers, and berries on Morgana’s desk.

Morgana looked at the food. She wanted to say thank you, but something caught her and held her back from saying it.

“I know it’s hard, Morgana.” Gwen said, stepping forward and pulling Morgana in by her shirt. “I know. Well, I don’t _know_ because I don’t have depression, but I know what you are like and what you’re thinking during these episodes.”

Morgana stiffened at the word. Since her first year of university, she had started to wonder if her fluctuating moods and feelings of dismay were caused by depression, but even after being diagnosed by a therapist it still felt new. She knew she hadn’t been coping with it well, but she hadn’t thought it was that bad. But then again, she hadn’t noticed her isolation. Or her lack of basic self-care. She looked down at her clothes. Had she showered yesterday? Or was that the day before? The days were blurring together a little.

“I know what you’re thinking, Morgana. That it’s not worth it to do any work because you have these crazy expectations for yourself and you think you’ll never make it. And I’m not saying you can’t do anything you set your mind to, because you can, and you will be brilliant. Of course you will. But you can’t lock yourself away when you get…”

Morgana smiled charmingly, stopping her girlfriend’s rambling. “Gwen. It’s alright. I’m fine. I promise.”

Gwen raised a brow.

Morgana smiled, this time less persuasive and more apologetic. “I know, okay? It just got a little worse than usual. I hadn’t really noticed.”

Gwen sighed. “You have to let me help, Morgana. Don’t push everyone away.”

“I don’t mean to.” She said, cupping Gwen’s face in one hand.

Gwen wrapped her hand around Morgana’s wrist, rubbing her thumb over her veins. “I know you don’t.”

Gwen pulled Morgana down onto the bed. She took Morgana’s hairbrush off the desk nearby and started to brush the knots out of Morgana’s hair. Morgana had to hold back a noise that might have been a purr. She loved it when Gwen played with her hair.

Gwen asked, “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“Yes,” Morgana amended, “Kind of.”

“Nightmares?”

“Yeah.”

Her insomnia’s biggest foe was the threat of nightmares. Even if she didn’t have any, she always worried she would have a Seeing dream. Her last ‘bad one’ had been Arthur condemning her magic. She knew it was a version of reality that hadn’t come to pass since Arthur had supported Morgana since he discovered her magic. But there was always a possibility and that possibility that these ‘bad’ Seeing dreams could come true, literally kept her up at night.

She had even had a Seeing dream in which Gwen left her for someone else. The thought that Gwen deserved someone better than Morgana crossed Morgana’s mind every goddamn day. Gwen still didn’t know about that Seeing dream in particular. Morgana didn’t have the heart to tell her. She was half afraid it would spark a chain of events that lead to that future and half afraid because Gwen actually wanted to leave her but would lie to console Morgana.

“Well, I will make sure you go to sleep at a reasonable time tonight,” Gwen said, setting down the hairbrush and wrapping her arms around Morgana’s waist with her chin sitting on Morgana’s shoulder. “After you eat that,” She pointed to the cheese. “Then I’ll make you at least answer five messages.”

“Three message?” Morgana offered, turning around to give Gwen a smile.

“Five,” Gwen said, laughing as she pulled her into a kiss. “No arguing.”

“How about seven?” Morgana teased.

“Are you arguing for or against your own case?” Gwen giggled as Morgana kissed her again, feeling a little better already. Gwen would never be enough to take away Morgana’s feelings of utter misery or the complete lack of energy that sapped at her sometimes, but she certainly would be there to hold her up and keep her going.

“I’m arguing for myself, against my depression,” Morgana said as a matter of fact.

Gwen smiled, “Sounds like a solid case to me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, remember when I said I was going to do more femslash for Femslash February. Welp. I wish it was more than 2k on the eve of March, but hey. My S.A.D. kicked in hard and I was lucky to get any inspiration, so here's a little fluff about Morgana and Gwen. Anyways, hope you liked it!


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